Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
The police scanner is talking about you again....
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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