I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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