are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
