two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
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