please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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