i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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