So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
