I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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