Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
