he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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