Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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