I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
