I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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