Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Randomize
