Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
