god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
