I think I won the penis lottery.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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