I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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