Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
