So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
