shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
