I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
