Taylor Swift is so right about you.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
