I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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