Your dad touched me again.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
