I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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