Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
