I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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