I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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