The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
