he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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