She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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