The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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