Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
