Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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