those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
