Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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