Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
