The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
