You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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