sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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