She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
