I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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