I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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