I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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