The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
