I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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