clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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