i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
