Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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