Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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